Winter in my soul

Today I feel defeated. I've grown tired of reaching, worn-out from jumping, exhausted from the endless effort it takes to keep my sanity and my faith.
I've realized the past few months (interestingly enough, since turning 30) that I'm different. Subdued. Quiet. Pensive. Boring.
Ouch.
Boring? That's a little too close to normal for my taste. Uh oh, wait...does that mean I'm normal too?? Ugh. I've hardly ever considered myself boring or normal, but that's exactly what I've become.
I quietly faded into my thirties, unaware that the wild and fearlessness of my twenties was forever behind me.
Good Lord, that's depressing.
Maybe this isn't so. Maybe I'm just experiencing Winter in my soul. A bit of hibernation and quiet restoration or maybe I've just grown dull and bitter. Maybe I should just lock myself in my bedroom and gorge on Cheetos and self-pity, only to die an old maid with cheese-stained fingers :(

No. Heck no.

I'm far too ambitious, adventurous, and dare I say, foxy for such a fate! Clearly I'm on a roller-coaster of thought and emotion today. But why? PMS? Yes, actually. But I haven't been PMS-ing nonstop since September folks. This is deeper than that.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakthrough. That if I squint really hard I can just barely make it out in the distance. But it's there. I can feel it. Wooper even caught a whiff of it. But time passes and it doesn't seem to get any closer. Then the reaching and jumping and clawing come in. I'm not tall enough, even on my tiptoes. My arms aren't long enough. Even if I stretch really far and do that whole scrunched-up face, stick the tongue out thing. Still, no dice. Aint happenin'. So, I give up. I fall down. Cross my arms, sigh, spit, cuss and settle into full on pout mode. I drag out the old Boo-Hoo game. You know it. It goes something like this:
Wha, wha. Why can't I have what I want? God, why are you such a jerk sometimes? Why won't you just let me be happy? How come so-and-so has everything I should have but he's a total juicebag and I'm not?? What more do you want from me?! Why isn't anything I do good enough for you?! Why is my life harder now that I'm actually listening to you??
The results of this game are usually: smeary mascara, red-puffy eyes, guilt and shame. It's a losing battle. I know it before I start playing but I break it out anyway. Fortunately I don't play very long anymore. I have learned that much.

Anyway, back to my point. Wait...what the heck was my point?? Oh yea. I'm thirty and lame. And Winter sucks.

Joel Osteen always talks about how things are often the most difficult and we feel the most hopeless directly before an awesome victory comes. I sincerely hope this is also true for me (and it should be. God is no respecter of persons, after all).
I'm currently in a season of waiting. My life will be taking on some dramatic changes very soon. I'm expecting a 400 mile move West to St. Louis this Summer (God willing. Those of you who pray, make sure you include me and my big move!) which is pretty huge. I'm leaving my entire family to venture out on my own. Single momma in the big city with the kiddo. No support system, no friends, no job, nothing!! Not to mention the kiddo will be entering high school. Ugh. (Feel free to pray about that too. I'm trying to get her into one of the awesome charter schools they have.) So anyway, yea, I've got some big events coming up. Maybe this Winter in my soul is just a way to keep me calm and quiet before the raging changes of Summer fall upon me. Yea. I like how that sounds. Good one Ali.
And who knows...maybe I won't be so lame and boring in the Show Me state. Maybe my prince charming will be there, waiting for an abnormally normal, put-back-together, thirtysomething like me. I suppose only the Lord knows how his will all play out and for now I just have to trust and believe. Oh, and throw away that stupid Boo-Hoo game.