I'm single. Very single. Very, very single. Painfully single.
That sounds a little desperate...maybe I should clarify. I'm single because, well, I choose to be.
Kinda.
I quit dating, completely, several months ago. This was directly after about 5 months of intense, non-stop, obsessive dating. (NOTE: by dating I mean actual dating. Going out on real dates. Pre-planned meetings. Not slamming shots at bars and going home with random skeezy fellas. That's a whole other discussion folks.) I was meeting guy after guy. Having coffee, drinks, taking walks, chit-chatting over pasta, laughing, simply enjoying the company of someone new. I was having a blast! But it quickly came to a point where I was getting a little overwhelmed. I felt like I was losing myself in the process of gaining attention from these men. Almost like I was leaving bits and pieces of me all over the place. Giving all of me away, laugh by laugh, kiss by kiss, to people who didn't genuinely treasure a piece of Ali Schmidt (no, not that piece...geesh). Until I stopped having any sort of significance. Until I had nothing left of me to give. I started hating it. I started hating me because of it. I needed to re-evaluate. I needed to gather up all those lost pieces of me and try to put them back in some sensible order. That's when I began to see that I never had all the pieces and the ones I did have hadn't been in any sensible order to begin with! And so the revelation came pouring into my heart. Although that stint of dating didn't provide me with relational success, it did provide me with the realization that I sucked at love. Bad. My heart needed some fixin', and with the quickness.
So, I decided to have a chat with the Lord. With His guidance I began to dig deep inside of myself. I started pulling up junk that I purposely buried and junk that I didn't even know existed. It certainly hasn't been an easy process. I've had breakdowns, meltdowns and total freak outs...yea, yea, I've always had those...but this time they had a point.
So now here I am, with a bucketful of fresh insight into my own heart. A brand new outlook on life and love. Ready to jump in with both feet and eyes wide open! Yet I remain unattached. And for the most part, I've made my peace with that. There are times when I get pouty and weepy...but I remind myself that my time is coming. After all, I'd much rather be single then in ANY of my past crappy relationships. Indeed.
SIDE NOTE:
Kiss Quick by Matt Nathanson does a phenomenal job at summing up this portion of my life. I swear he writes songs specifically for me.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Winter in my soul
Today I feel defeated. I've grown tired of reaching, worn-out from jumping, exhausted from the endless effort it takes to keep my sanity and my faith.
I've realized the past few months (interestingly enough, since turning 30) that I'm different. Subdued. Quiet. Pensive. Boring.
Ouch.
Boring? That's a little too close to normal for my taste. Uh oh, wait...does that mean I'm normal too?? Ugh. I've hardly ever considered myself boring or normal, but that's exactly what I've become.
I quietly faded into my thirties, unaware that the wild and fearlessness of my twenties was forever behind me.
Good Lord, that's depressing.
Maybe this isn't so. Maybe I'm just experiencing Winter in my soul. A bit of hibernation and quiet restoration or maybe I've just grown dull and bitter. Maybe I should just lock myself in my bedroom and gorge on Cheetos and self-pity, only to die an old maid with cheese-stained fingers :(
No. Heck no.
I'm far too ambitious, adventurous, and dare I say, foxy for such a fate! Clearly I'm on a roller-coaster of thought and emotion today. But why? PMS? Yes, actually. But I haven't been PMS-ing nonstop since September folks. This is deeper than that.
Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakthrough. That if I squint really hard I can just barely make it out in the distance. But it's there. I can feel it. Wooper even caught a whiff of it. But time passes and it doesn't seem to get any closer. Then the reaching and jumping and clawing come in. I'm not tall enough, even on my tiptoes. My arms aren't long enough. Even if I stretch really far and do that whole scrunched-up face, stick the tongue out thing. Still, no dice. Aint happenin'. So, I give up. I fall down. Cross my arms, sigh, spit, cuss and settle into full on pout mode. I drag out the old Boo-Hoo game. You know it. It goes something like this:
Wha, wha. Why can't I have what I want? God, why are you such a jerk sometimes? Why won't you just let me be happy? How come so-and-so has everything I should have but he's a total juicebag and I'm not?? What more do you want from me?! Why isn't anything I do good enough for you?! Why is my life harder now that I'm actually listening to you??
The results of this game are usually: smeary mascara, red-puffy eyes, guilt and shame. It's a losing battle. I know it before I start playing but I break it out anyway. Fortunately I don't play very long anymore. I have learned that much.
Anyway, back to my point. Wait...what the heck was my point?? Oh yea. I'm thirty and lame. And Winter sucks.
Joel Osteen always talks about how things are often the most difficult and we feel the most hopeless directly before an awesome victory comes. I sincerely hope this is also true for me (and it should be. God is no respecter of persons, after all).
I'm currently in a season of waiting. My life will be taking on some dramatic changes very soon. I'm expecting a 400 mile move West to St. Louis this Summer (God willing. Those of you who pray, make sure you include me and my big move!) which is pretty huge. I'm leaving my entire family to venture out on my own. Single momma in the big city with the kiddo. No support system, no friends, no job, nothing!! Not to mention the kiddo will be entering high school. Ugh. (Feel free to pray about that too. I'm trying to get her into one of the awesome charter schools they have.) So anyway, yea, I've got some big events coming up. Maybe this Winter in my soul is just a way to keep me calm and quiet before the raging changes of Summer fall upon me. Yea. I like how that sounds. Good one Ali.
And who knows...maybe I won't be so lame and boring in the Show Me state. Maybe my prince charming will be there, waiting for an abnormally normal, put-back-together, thirtysomething like me. I suppose only the Lord knows how his will all play out and for now I just have to trust and believe. Oh, and throw away that stupid Boo-Hoo game.
I've realized the past few months (interestingly enough, since turning 30) that I'm different. Subdued. Quiet. Pensive. Boring.
Ouch.
Boring? That's a little too close to normal for my taste. Uh oh, wait...does that mean I'm normal too?? Ugh. I've hardly ever considered myself boring or normal, but that's exactly what I've become.
I quietly faded into my thirties, unaware that the wild and fearlessness of my twenties was forever behind me.
Good Lord, that's depressing.
Maybe this isn't so. Maybe I'm just experiencing Winter in my soul. A bit of hibernation and quiet restoration or maybe I've just grown dull and bitter. Maybe I should just lock myself in my bedroom and gorge on Cheetos and self-pity, only to die an old maid with cheese-stained fingers :(
No. Heck no.
I'm far too ambitious, adventurous, and dare I say, foxy for such a fate! Clearly I'm on a roller-coaster of thought and emotion today. But why? PMS? Yes, actually. But I haven't been PMS-ing nonstop since September folks. This is deeper than that.
Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakthrough. That if I squint really hard I can just barely make it out in the distance. But it's there. I can feel it. Wooper even caught a whiff of it. But time passes and it doesn't seem to get any closer. Then the reaching and jumping and clawing come in. I'm not tall enough, even on my tiptoes. My arms aren't long enough. Even if I stretch really far and do that whole scrunched-up face, stick the tongue out thing. Still, no dice. Aint happenin'. So, I give up. I fall down. Cross my arms, sigh, spit, cuss and settle into full on pout mode. I drag out the old Boo-Hoo game. You know it. It goes something like this:
Wha, wha. Why can't I have what I want? God, why are you such a jerk sometimes? Why won't you just let me be happy? How come so-and-so has everything I should have but he's a total juicebag and I'm not?? What more do you want from me?! Why isn't anything I do good enough for you?! Why is my life harder now that I'm actually listening to you??
The results of this game are usually: smeary mascara, red-puffy eyes, guilt and shame. It's a losing battle. I know it before I start playing but I break it out anyway. Fortunately I don't play very long anymore. I have learned that much.
Anyway, back to my point. Wait...what the heck was my point?? Oh yea. I'm thirty and lame. And Winter sucks.
Joel Osteen always talks about how things are often the most difficult and we feel the most hopeless directly before an awesome victory comes. I sincerely hope this is also true for me (and it should be. God is no respecter of persons, after all).
I'm currently in a season of waiting. My life will be taking on some dramatic changes very soon. I'm expecting a 400 mile move West to St. Louis this Summer (God willing. Those of you who pray, make sure you include me and my big move!) which is pretty huge. I'm leaving my entire family to venture out on my own. Single momma in the big city with the kiddo. No support system, no friends, no job, nothing!! Not to mention the kiddo will be entering high school. Ugh. (Feel free to pray about that too. I'm trying to get her into one of the awesome charter schools they have.) So anyway, yea, I've got some big events coming up. Maybe this Winter in my soul is just a way to keep me calm and quiet before the raging changes of Summer fall upon me. Yea. I like how that sounds. Good one Ali.
And who knows...maybe I won't be so lame and boring in the Show Me state. Maybe my prince charming will be there, waiting for an abnormally normal, put-back-together, thirtysomething like me. I suppose only the Lord knows how his will all play out and for now I just have to trust and believe. Oh, and throw away that stupid Boo-Hoo game.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
My tumultuous romance with education
It's my last week of classes, hopefully forever. Not because I'm graduating, but because I'm quitting...again.
Reasons to quit:
I'm 30.
I don't have a partner/teammate/spouse to carry the burden of home and finances and life so I can fully concentrate on academics.
I'm broke.
I'd rather buy food than textbooks.
I hate college kids.
I'm literally $40,000 in debt to Great Lakes for a crappy 2-year degree.
I hate writing papers.
I hate studying.
I can't pass math.
Walking to the bus stop and around campus in winter SUCKS.
Quitting is just easier.
I'm totally over it.
I really need a job now and haven't the patience to wait for something better in the very near future.
Reasons to stay:
Better career opportunities with this degree.
I won't feel like a juice-bag, drop-out.
I honestly can't afford to continue. I've totally maxed out all my aid possibilities. All that pointless schooling I was taking in my mid-twenties has come back to bite me. I can't even afford the textbooks at this point. And in all reality, the amount of money I'll be making with an undergrad degree will NEVER provide me with the ability to pay off these loans. Ever. That means I'll just have to keep going for a grad degree...which equals MORE DEBT. Yea, I'm gonna pass on all that. So, I've decided to cut my losses and just be a juice-bag, drop-out (NOTE: Juice-bag is a less trashy way to say douche-bag).
To give you a better understanding of this "pointless schooling during my twenties" here's a timeline of my educational exploits:
1998 - dropped out of high school (so it begins...)
2000 - GED
2000 - enrolled at BTC as an Accounting major (??)
2001 - dropped out
2005 - decided it was time to at least act like an adult, so I went back to BTC. This time for Mental Health.
2007 - graduated from BTC (with a fantastic GPA, mind you)
2008 - Marietta College...Psych major
2009 - dropped out
2009 - took random classes at WSCC with intentions to transfer them to the Social Work program at OU
2010 - OU never happened...dropped out
2011 - Ohio State, Social Work program
2012 - dropped out
Shameful, isn't it?!
I feel it's important to point out that my heart is still in Social Work...fully and completely. It's just no longer in love with the idea of going through all this schooling to get to where I'm able to do what I want to do. Besides, God has a plan. If He wants me in a particular place doing a particular job, He'll get me there....degree or no degree. "I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close." - Revelation 3:8 (NLT)
Reasons to quit:
I'm 30.
I don't have a partner/teammate/spouse to carry the burden of home and finances and life so I can fully concentrate on academics.
I'm broke.
I'd rather buy food than textbooks.
I hate college kids.
I'm literally $40,000 in debt to Great Lakes for a crappy 2-year degree.
I hate writing papers.
I hate studying.
I can't pass math.
Walking to the bus stop and around campus in winter SUCKS.
Quitting is just easier.
I'm totally over it.
I really need a job now and haven't the patience to wait for something better in the very near future.
Reasons to stay:
Better career opportunities with this degree.
I won't feel like a juice-bag, drop-out.
I honestly can't afford to continue. I've totally maxed out all my aid possibilities. All that pointless schooling I was taking in my mid-twenties has come back to bite me. I can't even afford the textbooks at this point. And in all reality, the amount of money I'll be making with an undergrad degree will NEVER provide me with the ability to pay off these loans. Ever. That means I'll just have to keep going for a grad degree...which equals MORE DEBT. Yea, I'm gonna pass on all that. So, I've decided to cut my losses and just be a juice-bag, drop-out (NOTE: Juice-bag is a less trashy way to say douche-bag).
To give you a better understanding of this "pointless schooling during my twenties" here's a timeline of my educational exploits:
1998 - dropped out of high school (so it begins...)
2000 - GED
2000 - enrolled at BTC as an Accounting major (??)
2001 - dropped out
2005 - decided it was time to at least act like an adult, so I went back to BTC. This time for Mental Health.
2007 - graduated from BTC (with a fantastic GPA, mind you)
2008 - Marietta College...Psych major
2009 - dropped out
2009 - took random classes at WSCC with intentions to transfer them to the Social Work program at OU
2010 - OU never happened...dropped out
2011 - Ohio State, Social Work program
2012 - dropped out
Shameful, isn't it?!
I feel it's important to point out that my heart is still in Social Work...fully and completely. It's just no longer in love with the idea of going through all this schooling to get to where I'm able to do what I want to do. Besides, God has a plan. If He wants me in a particular place doing a particular job, He'll get me there....degree or no degree. "I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door for you that no one can close." - Revelation 3:8 (NLT)
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Father knows best...
Sometimes I'm so closed off to the way Christ sees things. Sometimes I have exactly everything I need, but since I didn't get it the way I planned to get it or the way my mind thought up best to go about getting it - I fail to see it. I fail to see that He provided exactly what I asked Him to provide, exactly what He promised to provide, but in a totally different way. In an awesome, twisty-turny, sort of way that only He can dream up. When I'm finally able to shake the fog from my heart and actually see with His eyes - all that is in front of me, all that He has done - I gasp with disbelief. And feel pretty darn foolish I hadn't seen it sooner. But it's also at that moment I can smile, look up to the sky and fully appreciate His mysterious and extraordinary ways. It's then that I fall in love with Jesus...all over again :)
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving...eh.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I truly don't care. Not that I'm not thankful or even joyful, I just really couldn't care less about the whole stupid day. This time of year, the holidays in general, just suck anymore. I haven't looked forward to this stuff in years. I mean it's just me and Madison and she's a teenager. Christmas is no longer exciting. It's lost it's sparkly magic wonderment...and that just plain sucks. I'm sure I'd feel differently if I had, oh I don't know, a husband and some more kiddos! Ugh. And if I wasn't so dang broke. Blah. Whatever.
I sound like I'm complaining...and I'm really not or maybe i am...idk. I just feel like pouting today. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, when I'm stuffing mashed potatoes and pie in my face and playing with my chunk of a nephew. Let's hope so.
I sound like I'm complaining...and I'm really not or maybe i am...idk. I just feel like pouting today. Maybe I'll feel differently tomorrow, when I'm stuffing mashed potatoes and pie in my face and playing with my chunk of a nephew. Let's hope so.
Monday, November 21, 2011
My first time
I've started this blog because I've recently fallen in love with the idea of being a writer. Not that I'm qualified for such a title, by any means, it's just a kind of daydream I suppose. Anyway...I like to put thoughts down in words. I'm crazy about words. I once fell madly in love with a fella, simply by reading his words. He had such beautiful words...sigh...But we won't be discussing him here...not yet.
Moving on.
I'm not sure how much is too much for my first time, so I'll keep it brief. Although I just slammed a large coffee and will probably be up for a few more hours. Anyway, I love stories. Everyone has one. Some are more interesting than others, but we all have one. I think this is a fantastic way to share those stories! So I suppose that is that. I'm off to do some Facebook grazing, possibly get started on this policy position paper I have to write (doubtful) or maybe just read until I zonk out. Have a great night and God bless :)
Moving on.
I'm not sure how much is too much for my first time, so I'll keep it brief. Although I just slammed a large coffee and will probably be up for a few more hours. Anyway, I love stories. Everyone has one. Some are more interesting than others, but we all have one. I think this is a fantastic way to share those stories! So I suppose that is that. I'm off to do some Facebook grazing, possibly get started on this policy position paper I have to write (doubtful) or maybe just read until I zonk out. Have a great night and God bless :)
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