Stuck in the waiting room.

This summer certainly hasn't turned out the way I envisioned it. It's nearly mid-July and I'm still stuck in the waiting room.

All waiting rooms are different.
My waiting room happens to be in the form of a place called Barnesville, Ohio.

Ah...good ol' Bville! It's a nice enough spot. Population 4,000ish. Large, brightly colored Victorians welcome you as you cruise down tree-lined Chestnut, making your way "up-town". Thrift shops, pizza parlors and empty storefronts share the blocks of Main Street. We have churches and gas stations. Banks and bars. Even a reputable boarding school makes its home within the boundaries of the village.
Kids on bikes, towels draped around their necks, head down to the pool. Truck trailers full of noisy livestock clamor down Main Street. Jones Boys stumble around half intoxicated (or wait, maybe that's Buzzy...).
It's all relatively normal. Peaceful even. Simple. And I'm sure for most folks here, it's a happy place. It's normalcy. Contentment. Safety. Life.

Then there are folks like me. Where life doesn't appear to exist here. Where entering into the city limits puts me in a state of hysterical panic. An instantaneous wave of suffocating emptiness. For me, this place is the sum total of every bad decision, every mistake I have ever made. A place to be escaped...survived. To live only in rumors, yearbooks, forgotten friendships.

So it's no mistake I'm here. Whether it be by Gods direct will or by my own fears (Job 3:25), I can't be sure. How I got here isn't as important as what I do while I'm here. So, here I sit...in the waiting room...flipping through the magazines of my past. Scrambling to make peace with who this town shaped me to be - peace with who I was, wasn't, should've been and can never be...

Wolf!! No, seriously this time...I think.

It sure seems like I'm always blabbering about what God shows me and what God tells me. And I often feel like I'm left looking sheepish and borderline crazy struggling to provide an explanation for why things suddenly turned in the other direction. Many times I've gotten things wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong. I've cried wolf (truly believing it was an actual wolf) more times than I'm comfortable admitting. Not because I'm stupid, or naive or a liar. But because sometimes I'm just wrong! Being wrong doesn't make me foolish or unstable or irresponsible or an idiot. It just makes me human. It happens. Even to those of us who are faithfully and passionately following the will of Jesus...we get it wrong too. I feel it's incredibly important as a Christian to be able to say that. That we often miss the mark too. And it's okay. It doesn't make us bad Christians. I honestly think my biggest problem is that I'm so expectant, so passionate about all the desires stirring in my heart...that I get impatient and run ahead and start filling in all the blanks with my own overactive imagination. Unfortunately, my imagination doesn't have all the facts, can't see all the players or even understand the game at times.

Keeping all the above in mind, I'm about to embark on a brand new adventure. I strongly feel that God is calling me to St. Louis Missouri, and has been for about 2 years now (that story shall be told soon!).Could I be wrong? It's possile. But my heart is in the right place, my eyes are fixed on the will of God and I have unshakable faith that all things will work together for my good (Romans 8:28). If I get it wrong, I get it wrong. At least I wasn't afraid to step out and do it. If I tumble and skin my knees, bust my nose and black both my eyes, it surely won't be the first...or the last time. I'm a big girl, I can handle it. And I have God on my side, with Him I can do ANYTHING (Matthew 19:26)!

Seriously God...another one?!

I'm starting to think that God puts men in my life for the sole purpose of teaching me things. What better way to get my attention than through a man? Seriously! Sometimes that's all I can see...and He knows that. So, when He wants me to learn something or wants to reveal something to me...He'll throw a man in the mix. Although a very effective tactic, it usually ends badly on my behalf. Instead of me realizing that this man was placed here for a temporary purpose (a simple lesson) I get all swept up in emotion and throw my whole heart at him and expect him to catch it with both hands. Rarely is he as excited about catching it as I am about tossing it, so naturally the poor thing hits the floor...and shatters (Note: my heart is currently being held together with a complicated mix of super glue, J-B Weld, zip-ties and pure heavenly hope.) Then I'm left feeling completely foolish, slightly neurotic and terribly sad.
But I do learn some incredibly valuable lessons this way. Through my relationships with men, I've learned amazing things about myself...things I could not have learned in any other way. But I'm seriously thinking God needs to find a new way to communicate with me. He's running out of men!! Not only is He running out of men but I'm running out of confidence that I can actually sustain a normal, functional, intimate relationship.
I'm at the point where I don't think there is a man in the world I'm compatible with. Honestly! And I'm nearing the point where I just don't give a shit if I spend the rest of my life alone!

The End :)

Change of plans

Well, well, well...look who's back at it! It's been months, literally! Lots of "new" going on in the land of Ali Schmidt..since my last post: I've moved, become gainfully employed and snagged me a lover!! But of course none of that came to me in the way I had planned...

I was cruising through life with a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be, what I wanted to do and even who I wanted to do it with (ha!). I had a life plan. It was pretty fantastic. All the pieces fit, all the colors matched and all the notes were perfectly pitched. I had a beautiful purpose and a fantastic existence. My future. I had it all mapped out in my head...in my prayers...in my heart. I was zooming at top speed, passing things left and right, not able to focus on the blur of anything else around me...I had a destination and was happily on my way to reaching it.
Then I saw the flashing lights in my rearview....

I was forced to stop. Breathe. Listen. Rethink some things. Look around. Get out of the friggin' car and stretch! None of which I wanted to do, none of which I'm very good at doing...especially when I've already settled my mind on other things. But, when you're forced to stop...you simply have no other choice. So I stopped. And as usual, I was able to see that the Lord was up to something again. He sure does work creatively in my life...let me tell ya!!
Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is that I'm okay. Better than okay. I'm peaceful. I'm content. I'm relaxed. I'm not hammering down the highway at 120 trying to get somewhere I don't even know exists anymore. I'm doing this day by day, sometimes even hour by hour. I'm not fixating on all the things I've dreamed up or all the things I'm lacking. I'm training my heart to be wide open to new ideas, new languages, new surroundings.
I still have a pretty good idea of where I'm going to end up...but the getting there is a completely new road. I'm guessing it's going to be laden with potholes and truckers and horrible drivers. But the thing is, if I'm not so focused on the actual drive...I'll be able to see the awesome scenery and maybe even enjoy the company of my passengers.
Life is good folks. God has a plan. Don't get all freaked out when that plan seems to change...because it really doesn't. It's what He had designed all along.